And I've Decided...

On Saturday, September 28 of this year, I began this blog after receiving a diagnosis that was both shocking and expected...

It left me startled, but also comforted to know there was a legitimate reason for my bizarre symptoms.  I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids.  There's still so much for me to learn about this condition, as well as the process of a hysterectomy.

And that's what this post is about...

After some waffling back & forth with pros & cons, I've decided to go ahead and have a hysterectomy.  A decision of this magnitude is certainly not an easy one to make.  Though we had no distinct plans to have kids, I also wasn't planning on finalizing the inability to have them.  I'm also nervous as hell about recovery - I recall my mother having a rough recovery from her hysterectomy back in the mid 1990s... although there is nothing to indicate that this surgery would be similar to hers, being that they're in different hospitals by different doctors, about 23 years apart.

Though I worry about things like:

• "how long will I be bed-ridden?"
• "will it be very painful?"
• "will I have serious complications?"
• "how long before Rob & I can be romantically intimate again?"
• "will my husband resent me after awhile/if I'm taking too long?"
• "what about time off work?"
• "what about all the housework?"

...and numerous other things (the above is just the tip of the iceberg), I realize that the alternative is much worse.  If I don't eventually address this condition by following my doctor's advice, and removing the offending uterus, then I will keep having the horrid symptoms AND they will only get worse over time!  

Understandably, I tried to rationalize this and I tried to create excuses to not have surgery... but I knew what my psyche was trying to do, and the logical part of me knew that I would only continue to suffer if I don't just deal with this, and just do it. 

Anyway, I did write down some pros & cons in my notebook during the weeks of thinking and making this important decision.  I must've talked my poor husband's ears off with this topic! I'll start with the "worst first" and save the best for last:

Cons of Having a Hysterectomy:

• I am worried about length of recovery time. For instance, I don't know how long to pack for my hospital stay, or if I'll have many visitors, or if they'll be complications that lengthen my recovery time...
• Which also means, I'm worried about how much time off work I'll need, and whether I'll be expected to go back early (while still healing), and how I'll get housework like laundry & dishes, etc. done - my husband may need his mother to do our laundry for awhile...?
• Which also means, who the heck will make our meals?  Should we ask his mother to help us with pre-made/ready to eat meals?  Or should we order in from Skip the Dishes?  
• And for at least six weeks, I won't be able to be romantically intimate due to risk of injury inside my body.  This will drive me crazy with worry that Rob will resent me... I don't want to be replaced of course!  This is a fear that likely affects every woman who has had to have this procedure and needed her husband to be very patient and celibate with her. 
• Something that saddens me a lot, personally, is that I'd have to wait AT MINIMUM six weeks before I can enjoy a bubble bath or hot tub.  Those are literally two of my very favorite things and I will miss them dearly.  I'll have to enjoy my showers then (not that way)!
• Fear of pain - from what I remember from watching my mother recover, she had a lot of pain around the lower abdomen, top of vagina and lower back/bowel area... probably similar to cramps.  I don't remember how many days or weeks that lasted. I just hope it's short-lived pain, especially if it feels anything like cramps!  Due to post-surgical bleeding, I won't be able to use a heating pad to soothe it. 
• Speaking of which - the primary reason I'm going ahead with this surgery, is to ensure I stop bleeding so heavily each month.  I'm worried I may end up with excessive/heavy post-surgical bleeding and have to go to the ER.  That would be ironic, but is a possibility.
• There's also a fear of possible infection, which isn't super uncommon after surgeries. I just hope it's caught and treated right away to prevent further complications.
• This may sound babyish, but I hope I don't end up with stomach woes such as nausea & vomiting... it's highly unlikely, of course.  I'm thinking it may be a side effect of the drugs used such as by the anesthesiologist, and/or the pain relief meds or anti-biotics.  I don't like the idea of the strain of throwing up while I have stitches in my body. 
• One thing that may be totally relatable among women who've had hysterectomies: I won't feel like a "normal woman" anymore when I have no more period to talk about with other women at work.  As women, no matter our walk of life, that's something we can all relate on. 
• Though I really hope this is not the case... my vagina may end up destroyed if they decide to do a vaginal hysterectomy, and not only do I not want that medical issue, it would also really impede the ability to be romantically intimate.  That is truthfully one of my biggest concerns about going forward with this procedure. 
• If it is done abdominally instead, though this isn't really that big of a deal, I'm slightly concerned about scarring. I'd still wear a bikini, but there'd always be questions from nosey & judgmental strangers. 
• I'll truthfully feel useless if I'm just laying around in bed, instead of doing my usual housework routines.  Even if I'm truly in pain, I don't want Rob to see me as taking advantage of the situation to play "Ferris Bueller".  I mean, I'd legitimately feel guilty letting our home go to pot.  Not sure if I should hire a cleaner for a short time, or ask Rob's mother to come over?  I guess we'll figure that out when the time comes. 

Pros of Having a Hysterectomy:

• The obvious one - NO MORE FIBROID SYMPTOMS! This means no more heavy bleeding/excruciating cramps - yay!
• In so doing, I'll save probably hundreds upon hundreds of dollars on pads & tampons; thankfully, one less person menstruating is also better for the environment/landfills. 
• No more messes - no more ruined underwear, stained sheets, unpleasant surprises, embarrassing moments while swimming, or anything else of the like. 
• A new found sense of freedom - freedom from preparing for "that week" every month, freedom from cramps, and of course freedom from having kids.
• Although kids are pretty great - there's no more chance of an accidental pregnancy. 
• Which means there's no more "week off" - we can get intimate whenever we fancy!
• I can swim without having to make sure I'm wearing a tampon first... and not have to worry about being subtle with pads in a change room stall so I don't get period-shamed by other women.
• Not having to deal with those annoyingly sticky pads ("accidental bikini wax!") anymore. 
• Likely to reduce my bloating (caused by protruding uterus), which in turn will feel more comfortable, make jeans easier to wear and will [hopefully] make me look better. 
• It's a possibility it could reduce my IBS symptoms, such as gas, cramps, bloating, bathroom urgency, mild nausea, etc. 
• When I'm no longer bleeding so heavily, I'll recover from being borderline anemic - and won't need to take any more iron supplements. 
• Can't believe I didn't mention this earlier... but one of the BEST PARTS would be having no more of those hellish cramps! It feels like a garden gnome is jumping up & down on my belly!
• I'll save a lot of money on Cyklokapron - though it's great that it keeps me from losing too much of my blood supply, it does retail for about $135 - thankfully I'm on my spouse's medical plan which brought it down significantly, but still... 
• There is at least a possibility that I'll feel less irritable/moody... though I'll probably still have my ovaries, which means I'll still have PMS symptoms, I believe I'd be less moody when I'm not in constant pain for a week. 
• Though I'm not sure [yet], I suspect sex may be better 😊 There'd be no fear of pregnancy, no birth control interference, my bloated belly shouldn't be getting in the way, there shouldn't be any pain with intercourse [anymore] once I've properly healed. I may even have a sexier mood and be more of a vixen... I sure hope so, anyway!

So there is it, folks.  Looks like there's about 13 cons and 15 pros, so it's pretty close.  Now you can see why it took me so long to waffle over this decision. 

Disclaimer: You may have noticed, especially in the "cons" section, that I appear to be deferring responsibility from Rob with regards to doing housework around here.  I can see a lot of my fellow women saying, "WTF?"

I'd like to point out that, although he verbally offered to help out, he does already work two jobs, one of which begins at 5am!  Also, doing a slew of chores isn't really his forte.  He does care enough to offer, but for his sake, it makes more sense for us to find an alternative that doesn't have him overworked.